10 Parenting Tips For Surviving A Divorce

While divorce is a sign of freedom for couples in a bad relationship, it leaves scars on the minds of both partners. Divorce is not a new phenomenon, as many would have us believe. People have been getting into marriage and walking out of it from times immemorial.

Whichever way you look at it, divorce means something went wrong. Two people who, for all the right or wrong reasons, had pledged themselves to stick together to provide a secure family base for their children, are now splitting up. It didn't work out the way it was supposed to.

That is always sad.

But if you think that divorce is the only option for you, then there is no point looking back to see who was at fault. Instead focus on how to make the best of a bad situation.

No one WANTS to get divorced. But if, for whatever reason, divorce has happened, or is going to happen, then lets at least limit the fallout as much as we can.

So, for the sake of the children, here are some tips on how to minimize the impact on the kids:

1. Don't get divorced! The best situation for children is to live with both parents in a loving and caring home, preferably with loving and caring relatives nearby.

But, if your relationship is getting sour, for whatever reason, be honest about it. Deluding yourself or sweeping it under the carpet won’t help. Face it and if you feel the need, ask for help - first for yourself, and then jointly as a couple. Make one more attempt to re-kindle the love you once had.

Note, this does NOT mean you should put up with an abusive relationship just to "stay together for the children". Ongoing violence, drug abuse, acrimony, etc are NOT good for children. If you really need to get out, then get out.

2. If you must separate, be grown-up about it. Do your level best to separate amicably. Agree that things are not working out between you and that it is best to separate. Avoid lengthy court battles and custody disputes. Why? They cost you a bunch of money, drag down your emotions, preventing you from moving on with life, and ALWAYS end up with the children picking up the bad vibes and feeling very insecure.

3. Even if the other person is "evil", do NOT engage in a hate campaign against them. That is the parent of your child you are talking about - how would you like it if people spoke about YOUR parents that way? Again, be grown- up and honest with your children. Answer their questions as honestly and dispassionately as you can, reassuring them that YOU are not planning to leave too (that is a very common fear).

4. At the same time, do not defend the other parent if he/she proves to be constantly unreliable - not turning up for visits when promised, failing to send cards and presents, etc. Your child will be deeply disappointed, hurt, perplexed, and will believe (s)he must have done something wrong. Make it quite clear that it is NOT your child's fault that you separated, nor their fault that the other parent is so unreliable.

5. Another very important aspect is to encourage your children to keep in touch with the other parent for as long as it is a positive experience for them. Encourage visits, phone calls and letters. Let your child get the love and attention of both parents despite your feelings.

6. Never send messages to the other parent through your children. If you have something to communicate, pick up the phone and say it; don’t involve your children in your fights and arguments.

7. In extreme cases you might have to take drastic steps to protect your children if the other parent is harmful or abusive to them. But make sure this perception is not coming from your own pain, guilt or jealousy.

8. Joint custody, in which the child spends three days a week in one home and 4 days in the other almost never works. Children need a consistent place to call home, not to be batted back and forth between the two places. But if the other parent really is in a better position (emotinoally, financially, whatever) to look after the kids - then for their sake permit it! (Yes, I know that is hard, but it is time to be grown-up about all of this.) Also, do not try to control the parenting style or rules that your ex uses. You look after the parenting in your house and leave them to look after the parenting in their house.

9. Children are not prepared to see someone else taking the place of their parent. So, be sensitive about bringing strangers into the home. Children keep hoping that their parents will get back together some day. Don’t kill their hopes.

10. Finally, take control of your life. Don’t dwell on old wounds. Think positive and live in the present. Try to make the future happy. You will come out stronger from the experience and you will give your children hope about human relationships, or they might fall into similar situations when they grow up.

Don’t assume that your children will suffer from your divorce. If you can keep your hurt feelings aside you will sail through this bad situation calmly and in a mature manner. And, be reasonable about allowing the other parent’s role in your child’s life.

As ever, it all comes back to you being the very best parent that you can.

Article Source: http://www.articlemonk.com

Dr. Noel Swanson offers free expert parenting tips on his website - just sign up for his newsletter and get a free chapter of his book, The GOOD CHILD Guide. Why not discuss parenting issues with other parents on a parenting forum?
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