Consistency Works like Magic for Parenting

The need for consistency in parenting cannot be over-emphasized. You need to be consistent in what you say and do, and you need to be consistent between the two of you.

Indeed, if you fail I this, you give ample opportunity to your children to manipulate you and play one parent off another. But how on earth do you achieve that? And what if the other parent has no interest in improving his/her parenting style?

Here are some helpful tips:

First of all, make a plan in advance about how you would like to deal with particular situations. This will help you crystallize your own thoughts and put things in perspective.

Having done that, when you find yourself in that situation you will be able to calmly do what you had pre-planned.

Without a plan, you will act out of habit, which is often a lot of yelling and threatening. With a plan, you will probably react differently.

Decide also which battles are worth fighting - and chill out about the others. The rule here is that if you have a rule you MUST enforce it - every time without fail. If you are not prepared to do that, then clearly the rule is not that important, in which case you should drop it.

As a family you can decide certain norms that are essential and others that are preferred behavior. For instance, some mothers allow their children to put their feet on the sofa, others don’t. It’s up to you. What is important is to stick with what you have decided. Don’t keep changing your stance every now and then.

If you think through all the conflicts that give you the greatest stress, you will probably find that many of them are in these grey areas. You can't keep sitting on the fence. Once you decide which way you way to jump, you will find that much of that stress goes away.

The really difficult part about implementing a plan is getting your partner to participate in it.

If it is very difficult, it sure speaks a lot about your relationship as a couple. You need to look at it again. See, if you can discuss the children calmly and rationally, or are you using them as pawns in your ego games.

I am not suggesting that you should agree on everything – but you should be able to agree to disagree. The important point is that no matter what your differences of opinion you should support each other in the presence of the children.

Otherwise the kids will simply go from one parent to the next looking for the answer they want.

So, once again, the key to consistency between parents is the same as being consistent yourself - plan ahead. Spend time discussing your rules and expectations so that you can come up with a coherent plan. One way to do this is to read a parenting book together and then discuss it.

In the worst scenario where you cannot even agree on fundamental ways of handling situations, what can you do?

In such a scenario, it is best to be true to yourself. By virtue of the same rule, give freedom to your partner to do the same.

The outcome of this is that the children are quick to size up both the parents and manipulate them to their advantage. If one parent is strict and the other lenient, the children know whom to go to and get what they are looking for.

This is an unfortunate situation and the sooner the gap between you is reduced the better it would be, otherwise it will create more problems in daily life. Since you cannot change the other, it is advisable to make some changes in your attitude. At least it will be more consistent for the children.

If your behavior is not consistent, then the situation can become so bad that one parent will completely destroy the credibility of the other parent. This kind of situation should not be allowed to continue. It is time to think seriously about your relationship and what to do about it. The children will learn to disrespect all types of authority, and you will fall in your own estimation.

The secret is to look at yourself more critically than you look at others. Often, it is your habit that rules your behavior not reason. The golden rule is to change yourself first rather than wait for the other to change first.

Article Source: http://www.articlemonk.com

Dr. Noel Swanson is a frequent contributor to Yes Parenting website and also has a free newsletter on children's behavior problems.
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