When The Other Parent Is Poisonous

Q. My stepdaughter is 4, and her real mother is constantly in and out of jail and has 86 felonies. She gets visitation every other weekend, (If she shows up). Every time our daughter comes back from her visitation she is a completely different child. When she gets home she just sits there for hours on end and won't say anything.

A. Having the mom in jail is a bit unusual, but this situation is very common with separated parents. Usually, of course, the child is living with mom and goes to Dad for the weekend. But the story is often the same: when she comes back from the visits she is either more disruptive and badly behaved, or strangely morose and silent.

Now, the question is how to overcome this problem.

First, let's be quite clear that putting the child into some sort of therapy is very unlikely to make much of a difference. This is something that needs to be sorted out by the adults.

There are basically two different situations. One is when one of the parents is causing the problem; and the other is just the differences between parents and homes. In this article I am going to focus on the former – the problem parent.

This kind of parent is, among other things, unreliable. He promises to call or come, but doesn’t show up. This hurts the child deeply because he/she goes through a whole spectrum of feelings, from hope and excitement to disappointment and despair and even guilt.

It often happens that the other parent either ignores the child or makes him fit into his plans willingly or unwillingly. At the same time he makes tall claims of love and care for the child. This confuses and hurts the child because the actions betray their true feelings, and children are quick to feel that.

Often too, it is not just the child who is caught up with the manipulations. Many times I have seen mothers changing their plans at the last minute to accommodate a sudden pronouncement from the other as to what they will, or won't, do this weekend.

However, the worst scene is when one parent uses the child as a communication channel to the other parent. In such cases, obviously what the poor child is asked to convey are not nice things. In other cases, the parent spends the entire weekend criticizing the custodial parent, which is quite unpalatable to the child.

All of this is very harmful to the child, as it undermines all sense of worth and belonging. They desperately want to be loved and accepted, yet at every turn they seem to be cast off by this parent who, at the same time, keeps saying how much they care.

These kinds of parents are difficult to deal with even in the courts because they are experts in talking smoothly but their words are hollow. They don’t mean what they say. And, the court has to take the case at its face value.

So, how to deal with such a parent? The answer is: be firm and strong but that is easier said than done. Here are some suggestions to keep in mind:

Start by seeking mediation or legal advice. Deny access to the other parent till the situation becomes clear. This is not to say that getting the courts to agree to this will be easy.

What you can get, however, is some very clear agreement regarding visits: When will they happen? At what precise time? What about phone calls during the week? What happens if they other parent does not show up?

In that case, abide by the agreement and put your foot down if there are delays and deviations from the promised time. Give him ten minutes more and if he doesn’t turn up, follow your own plans. Go out with your child and have a good time. Don’t wait at home and sulk. Don’t be available to adjust with his convenience.

It’s important to record all these events; they will come in handy in court. Also, think of consulting a counselor to help you deal with the harmful effects of this on your child. And, they will testify these effects on the child in court.

Whatever be the situation, it is important for you to be warm and affectionate towards the child. Remember, these visits and the unfulfilled promises hurt the child much more and he is not old enough to handle that. As an adult and a parent, you have to be magnanimous and provide positive support to your child at such times.

As an ultimate step you might have to think of moving out of the town or state to make the visits more impractical. But, before you decide to take such a drastic step, make sure your opinion about the other parent is not based on prejudices against him. Think objectively, or talk it over with a friend or counselor before moving out.

Article Source: http://www.articlemonk.com

Dr. Noel Swanson is a leading expert on child behavior problems. He has a fascinating website with lots of expert parenting advice that is worth visiting. More of his articles can be found here: free articles on parenting ~ai602
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